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Redneck Etiquette
Personal Hygiene
* Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
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While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
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Proper use of toiletries can forstall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
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Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
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Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
Dating Outside The Family
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Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
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No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
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Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
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Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
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If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
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Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.
Entertaining In Your Home
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A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
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Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
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Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
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If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
Movie Theater Etiquette
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Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
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Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings
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Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* It is okay to bring a date to a wedding, unless you are the groom.
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When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
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Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
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A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
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For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
* Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
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Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
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When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
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Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
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When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
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Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
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Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
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Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
All Occassions
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Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
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Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
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Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
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It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
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Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,especially if other people are around.
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If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
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Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
This was sent to me via e-mail. So I don't know who it is by.
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